By Amy Hanson - Safeguarding Consultant

I qualified in social work ten years ago and started a journey in child protection that I never could have imagined! I wonder what I would have done, had I known, what I was getting myself into, what would I have done?

A couple of months ago, I hit the dreaded, ‘burnout’ and for the first time had to take a few weeks out to breathe, have some quiet and re-evaluate. After some sleep and rest, I knew instantly what I needed to do. I am not sharing this for any other reason, than with the aim of hoping to encourage someone else who feels at that stage to make the changes. My notice has gone in and I am working out my notice with clarity and confidence in my decision; yet also with a heavy heart; both full and empty in equal measure. Let me tell you what 10 years in this job has shown me…

This job has showed me the absolute worst in people, and took me to the depths of hell at times. This job showed me the worst of humanity. It showed me cruelty, abuse and depravity I didn't know existed. It showed me things I could never explain to anyone outside of this work. It has broken my heart more times than I could count, and in some instances, has left it irreparable. 

This job has showed me the absolute best in people; seeing bravery that still takes my breath away. It taught me that there are so many people who show a selflessness, love and care which is indescribable. It showed me how strong and resilient human beings can be; especially children and how people can face the most incredible adversity and still come out teaching other people about love and grace and humility. Those people have had me in awe everyday. 

This job showed me that some families have to face immeasurable pain and that everyone manages that differently. It showed me that we all have life events that impact and we have a responsibility and accountability to how we manage those. I learnt that for some they never had the same chances and their fight was so much bigger from the beginning. I learnt that had I had some of those experiences, I am pretty sure I wouldn't have managed to cope as well as they did. I learnt that you can love someone but not be able to care for them or keep them safe; one does not cancel the other. 

This job showed me that love exists in many different forms; is complicated and can be so broken and sometimes you wont understand it. It challenged me not to judge someones choices based on my own values or experiences because as I have been heard so many times ‘you have no idea what I am going through.’ And they were right - by the grace of God only. This job taught me that sometimes the amount of love and care someone provides can look like it falls short, but can be just because they were broken by their own experiences, so their capacity was limited; yet was still their all. 

This job taught me that nothing can prepare you for the sleepless nights and stress that come with secondary trauma. It taught me nothing can prepare you for seeing the name or face of a young person that you have worked with, on the national news, as another ‘statistic’ of a young life taken so violently and with no warning. Nothing can prepare you for attending that funeral and feeling so much guilt and shame that you ‘couldn't do more,’ followed by guilt and shame that you feel like that as a ‘professional’ you don't ‘deserve to feel that so you must have got ‘too close’ ‘too involved.’  As if grief is a finite amount that cannot be shared and must be apportioned to the closest. 

This job taught me to be brave, to face situations head on and stand for what you believe in. This job taught me what it means to fight with your whole entire being when you believe its the right thing. It taught me that most times that fight was worth it to secure safety and change direction. It taught me that sometimes with the benefit of hindsight, you weren't fighting for the right thing and sometimes you have to face the pain of having to own that. 

This job showed that I am a stubborn being at times and if I am set an ‘impossible’ challenge, something rises up in me determined to make it happen. I learnt that sometimes the outcome of that can be a Goddaughter.

This job taught me that sometimes even when you've given everything of yourself its not enough because its not about me. It taught me that I can’t ‘save and rescue' everyone - I am just not that powerful. Nor is that my role - that took some learning.

This job taught me about forgiveness; seeing forgiveness in action - seeing people forgive others in the most serous of situations and slowly learning to forgive myself. I learnt that sometimes I got it right and the impact was tangible. I learnt that sometimes I got it wrong and the impact was also tangible.

This job taught me that there is a cost to this work; to relationships with family, friends and others. I have sent many texts over the years cancelling plans as ‘something has come up at work’ and sometimes just feeling so emotionally drained and exhausted that I wasn't really present anyway. This job taught me that my friends love for me is unconditional and even though I am sure that at times they have not understood it, they have allowed it because they accept it is part of me. For that I am so grateful. 

This job taught me the need to laugh- every.single.day - even when that has been social work humour that would only be appropriate in the office. It taught me the importance of a five minute chat and a cup of tea - and that a bit of grace, kindness and forgiveness goes a long way. 

This job taught me that you have to know when to call it and say you need a bit of a break and learning that there is no shame in saying ‘enough.’ 

I am so grateful to the amazing colleagues who have walked this journey with me - many of whom I know will read this as so many of you have become my close friends. To those who have made me endless cups of teas in the midst of impending deadlines; indulged with me in the ‘Social Work diet’, who have been there to catch my tears when its all been too much and to when we’ve belly laughed at the pub after work (and within it) - you are wonderful. 

I have met the most incredible people in the last ten years; families that I will never forget, children who have taught me the most important lessons of all; how to play, how to laugh, how important it is to walk life with people so that they don’t do it on their own; whatever the trauma, whatever the journey and however painful. Those of all are my heroes and will always have my heart - especially those still fighting their battles. 

I don’t know exactly what the future holds, but I know it includes a bit more ‘self care’, a focus on my own little family and a gratitude for being able to take a bit of time to heal. If there is anyone else out there feeling like maybe the trauma started to have an impact - please reach out, I got you. I don't have the answers but I do know you cant navigate it on your own.